Want free updates on my book?  

Category Archives: Honest Store

Honest Store

dsc_0531On this day of being defeated by our naptime battles with our little one and now scooping a big chunk of chocolate ice cream sitting alone in the christmas light lit living room  I am contemplating on my life. And I am not having one of these la vita la bella moments. Right now life is hard, I don’t feel ready for another Berlin winter – for God’s sake I just cried at the dinner table to my husband and 10 month old daughter that I am really not ready – so… I am looking at my life and trying to understand why we have been stuck in this transition mood what seems to me like forever. And then I remember, life is always transition, but, come on! I think… and demand “give us a break universe! really!” this has been hard, so hard, we cannot even see the end of the tunnel and what are the lessons? Are there any? Or we just got stuck with couple of things here, and not being patient enough and actually our lives are amazing but we are spoiled ungracious brats that cannot appreciate our beautiful family, cozy home, running hot water, flexible working hours, our supportive relationship, joyful daughter,  poor and sexy city we live in, the financial abundance to eat out whenever we like, travel, buy things. What’s wrong with me? Right?

But then, I feel whatever I feel, and it does not feel good. Are we growing? Are we not ever? I know I am sleep deprived and do not want to sleep just like my little sweet pie. And I am contemplating on …

Would I be content with discovering that my life purpose does not entail recognition and praise from others? What if it’s just sitting in a room and reading interesting research and literature, and never sharing it or impacting prima facie anyone. What if I have no recognizable effect in this world, for my family, for friends, but I am just a catalyzer for their lives to get just a little bit easier, just a little bit more beautiful, you know no hero stuff, so no one even notices. No, “you were great”s and “we appreciate what you have done for us” things. What if?

Then I realize my addiction. Oh, my, god. Addiction to be approved, praised, recognized. To me, once I discover my vocation – if I am not already doing it- the outcomes readily I have in mind is to be famous, at least recognized by a vast number of people, to be respected, to have the glamour next to my name. I could not believe these were the prerequisites. Once you are honest with yourself you cannot imagine what comes to the surface suddenly like the tiny stream of bubbles travelling upwards in a beer, you can see them coming up, so many, so fast and then they come to the surface and whoosh they are gone. In my case not so easy, they are not gone, there is no whoosh, no band aid either, I do not drink the beer now. I stopped any distractions – apart from ice cream and chocolate and pop corn- long time ago, just to be honest to myself. Just so that I can sit with the bubbles, and not run away, suppress or ignore them.

And now this? Which to I say “Come on universe! Really? Really?” There is a chance that I discover my life purpose and I work hard and I enjoy it but I get no recognition, this is a possibility? But then what is the point?
Exactly here.. “Cut!”… The source says..  And I see the point. Why do I do things really? Is there something I cannot not do, not because people appreciate or I would get respect and so on. But I would do that thing despite people’s reactions, despite humiliation, despite touching the ground of having no chance of recognition. And I sit alone in christmas light lit  living room, looking at the melted remainder of the chocolate ice cream. And say, ok I will just get another scoop…
“Really?” says the universe.. “Really??”